On Self Love

When was the first time you heard the phrase self-love? What did it make you think of? How do you define it for yourself? This dynamic phrase has been floating around now for several years; however, it has come to my attention that many don’t quite know what it means. Or rather, it takes asking someone what it means to help them consciously think about it.

I asked myself this question a few months back. Over many contemplative moments, I came up with my own definition. I realized that the idea of self-love looks different for each and every one of us. Furthermore, it is important to note that differences between definitions of self-love and self-care. While self-care can help foster self-love, self-care is an act of caring for oneself and self-love is a dedicated practice of emotional “work”. By doing this work we are then in a better position to face loving ourselves. 

Through a lot of contemplative reflection, I have chosen to define self-love as non-judgmentally and compassionately accepting how I feel on a daily basis, while honoring that for myself. What strikes me is the way in which our fear-based narratives can hinder us from accepting things as they are. So often, we push and fight against our “negative feelings” as a means of ridding ourselves of them when in fact the only way out is through.

The truest mode of release is to accept and honor what is as it arises. This starts with honestly speaking your truth aloud even if only to yourself, which for some may be the hardest part. Can you recall a time when you felt anxious, sad, lonely, yet couldn’t put your finger on why when asked? We often say “I don’t know why I am feeling this way” when more often than not, we do. We push things down to the bottom of our psyche so that we don’t have to confront the pain it may bring or the unwanted emotions we’d rather not deal with. Or if we don’t know why, it’s because we are not allowing ourselves to access this part of ourselves. This can be tricky when we’re accustomed to the cycle of pushing down, or perhaps being shamed or invalidated for our truths by others, or even ourselves. This pushing down and repetitive cycle of telling ourselves our feelings are not valid are what makes “the work” and the journey to truly loving ourselves that much harder. However, through conscious awareness and re-learning to accept ourselves as we are, we can work on achieving it each and every day. In fact, this whole process in and of itself nurtures the tools needed to achieve healing. It allows us to feel human and come closer to connecting with ourselves. It is imperative for us to think about how we can begin to do better at ridding ourselves of our own internalized shame while also relieving others from it. 

Part of self-love is opening up the space between not knowing why we are feeling the way we do, learning why, and then showing up and honoring what we come to know for ourselves. How, though, can we access that space? I often tell my patients in therapy, “the day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit.” This goes for most anything in life when it comes to our goals. If we want to feel more connected with ourselves, our heart space, and our intuition, we must hold the same belief. Change doesn't happen overnight, but it evolves through conscious daily practice.

With all in this world that is out of our control, this is one thing that is. Each and every day we have the ability to make the decision to consciously reflect on what is going in our minds. Once we can identify the feeling or emotion we then have the opportunity to honor it, accept it, and show up for it. To me, this is the process of learning how to love ourselves as we are through any emotion we may face. We can exercise the mind the same way we can the body. Much the same way we add money to a savings account and build overtime, we can add love to ourselves and our being. Can you afford to take a few minutes each morning to ask yourself how you are feeling? To take a moment to breathe and sit in silence, so that you can show up for yourself the same way you might a close friend who needs to talk? When we build the relationship with ourselves and we honestly accept feelings as they come, we start to build self-love. However, the definitions of self-love can be broader than this one perspective.

I encourage you to think about what your definition might be and share that with a loved one while also asking them how they define it. Whether it is formulated or not, the simple act of asking starts to build the consciousness around it and this is the first step towards creating deeper awareness and understanding about ourselves, each other, and the world we live in. 

Through my own conversations with others about self-love I have learned how deeply personal and unique our concept of this phrase is. Someone told me that self-love is consciously choosing to make the best out of each and every-day, while another mentioned self-love is learned through how we were loved as children. This second idea creates a complex layer of perhaps unlearning early ways of being loved if they were harmful or toxic. The way we are loved from a young age and learn to love as we grow older certainly plays a role in the patterns of our relationships and what we are and are not willing to accept. The phrase, “we accept the love we think we deserve” comes to mind as well when considering self-love practices being based off of ways we have learned to be loved and love others. Others I’ve spoken to have discussed self-love as continuous compassion for oneself, discipline and evaluation of the self, forming an intentional practice, and the act of making us divinely human.

I encourage you to think about what your definition of self-love might be and share that with a loved one while also asking them how they might define it. No matter how formulated your own definition is to start with, the simple act of asking yourself how you define self-love helps solidify what this means to you. This is the first step toward creating a deeper cognizance and understanding about ourselves, each other, and the world we live in. When we can do this, we open ourselves up to incredible emotional and mental possibilities. We allow ourselves to feel and think in a different way and come to understand the dynamic nature of being entirely human. When we learn to love and accept ourselves as we are, we begin to love others in a similar way which contributes to a virtuous cycle of positive personal and collective transformation.