On Self-Compassion
When you make a mistake, feel rejected, miss a deadline, are late to an event, or have interpersonal conflict, how do you usually respond to yourself internally? Are you sometimes critical and judgmental? Do you ever beat yourself up or ruminate about your decisions? Self-criticism is a big theme that comes up in therapy. Most people are extremely quick to negatively talk to themselves, doubt their actions, and question their decisions over and over again. Yet, when a loved one approaches them with difficulty they more easily offer support, say something kind, or hold space for their challenges. Imagine you spoke to a loved one the way you sometimes negatively speak to yourself or vice versa? How would you or they respond and feel? When someone is being self-critical, I usually ask them if they are ever compassionate to themselves, and the answer tends to be “what even is that?” or “I don’t know how to do that”, or “I don’t deserve that''. Self-compassion is an essential and tangible ingredient for living a healthier and more balanced life. It is an effective dose of medicine that we can give ourselves to improve our own self-love and healing.
So what really is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is the practice of treating oneself with empathy, kindness, and understanding primarily in difficult moments or times of suffering. In a world that often clings to self-criticism, self-compassion can be a powerful tool for breaking out of that negative cycle as a means to develop a greater sense of inner peace. It includes acknowledging and accepting one's flaws and imperfections, while also recognizing that these shortcomings are a natural part of the human experience. With mindful awareness, it asks the question “what do I need right now and what can I offer myself that will feel loving and supportive?”
There are three key components to self-compassion: (1) mindfulness, (2) common humanity, and (3) self-kindness. Mindfulness allows us to access what thoughts, feelings, sensations, or emotions are in the present moment. Common humanity reminds you that you are human and you are not alone in your suffering. Self-kindness allows us the opportunity to practice the same kindness we would for another, but to ourselves.
Dr. Kristin Neff says “through self-compassion we become an inner ally instead of an inner enemy.” What might it be like for you to strengthen your sense of self-advocacy, self-friendship, and self-worth? Self-compassion ideally allows for less stress and striving and more love and connection. Sometimes people are resistant to practicing self-compassion as they don’t want to use it as a cop out, an excuse to be lazy, or feel like they are feeding into their own bad habits. Yet, when we struggle to achieve the things we want and we don’t turn to self-compassion we tend to be self-critical which perpetuates a “fear of failure” mindset. Self-compassion can actually help to allow and empower us to take a different road, rid ourselves of anxiety, and work towards building greater motivation. When we are compassionate and understanding with ourselves we can open to the opportunity of failure. We can tell ourselves that in fact it is perfectly okay to try something and have it not turn out the way we thought it would. We are only human after all, right? When we can do this we will be more motivated to work towards our goals as opposed to remaining stuck in them.
What are the benefits of self-compassion?
Self-compassion is associated with a variety of physical and psychological benefits, which include improved mental health outcomes, heightened resilience in the face of challenges, improved interpersonal relationships, and increased motivation. It allows for better coping, greater empathy for others, and encourages a growth mindset. When we stop criticizing ourselves and treat ourselves as naturally flawed humans we are better equipped to face our own frustrations and obstacles. Self-compassion enhances resilience when we are faced with difficulties and those who practice it are better equipped to cope with hardships like chronic pain, divorce, or trauma.
How do I cultivate self-compassion?
Self-compassion is a learned skill like any other that we can incorporate into our lives whenever we so choose, and is best done as a daily practice. We can begin to do this by incorporating the following strategies in to our daily lives:
Mindfulness: Mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. This can help individuals become more aware of their thoughts and emotions, which can be a first step towards practicing self-compassion.
Notice and reframe negative self-talk and self-criticism: Negative self-talk and self-criticism can be a barrier to self-compassion. When negative thoughts arise, notice them and then work to challenge them with a more compassionate and understanding perspective. Ask yourself what a different alternative could be.
Practice self-care: Taking care of oneself is an act of self-compassion. This can include getting exercise, eating/cooking healthy and delicious foods, engaging in activities that bring joy and fulfillment, and practicing positive sleep hygiene.
Connect with others: Connection with others can be a powerful source of support, relatedness, and compassion. Seek out individuals who are supportive and understanding, and consider joining a group in your community such as: a yoga studio or other fitness space, meditation center, class for a hobby you enjoy, or therapy (individual or group) to build a sense of community.
Self-compassion is an essential component of mental health and well-being. By treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and empathy, individuals can open up to new positive possibilities. While self-compassion may not always come naturally, and can sometimes feel odd, it is a skill that can be refined through intentional practice and can lead to a more fulfilling and joyful life. Notice where this may be helpful for you to incorporate in your day to day and the next moment you find yourself being self-critical try and balance that with offering yourself the support, kindness, and compassion you would give to another in need.
